Apr 19 2010
Nine years is a long time. In nine years, I grew up, I became a man, I built a home and a career and a life I could never have imagined or hoped for back in my school days when I couldn’t see my future for all the misery that school brought.
Over nine years, I built a life with my best friend, my lover, my everything, and at Christmas, it all came crashing down around my ears.
I drank, I cried, I made a fool of myself. I didn’t know where I was. In recent weeks, I really thought it was all starting to come back together. I thought I was doing a great job of piecing my life back into some semblance of normality and sense.
But that’s rubbish. I’m a lost child. I’m feeling and groping my way through the dark. I’m a teen fiddling with a bra for the first time – sure, parts of it are exciting, but overall it just feels like I could be doing it a lot better.
I couldn’t get off the couch yesterday – I sat there, staring at the monotonous glow of the TV for hours. I attempted to engage with the world, but it was forced and fake and unsatisfying. And that’s just it, that’s what my life is at the moment – a series of attempts. A series of endeavours to get it right, to fix it, to be happy again. But it’s all forced and fake and unsatisfying. I’m unsatisfied with life and the world. I have put in my dues, I have worked hard, I have tried to make up for all my many mistakes, but it just seems like I haven’t done enough to deserve a break.
I am, in my mind, aware of how lucky I am to be surrounded by some amazing friends and those who have become more than friends in recent times. I should be happy, or at least content with my lot, but I’m not. My heart and head aren’t in it. The very simple and silly concept of happiness eludes me. I smile and laugh and joke and engage and kiss and touch and hug and play and sing and dance and bounce and carry on as normal. But as soon as I’m on my own, when there’s no one to perform for anymore, I see the world for what it really is – a miserable mess of stupid people doing stupid things, hurting others and making vague attempts at apologies, though no one truly believes or accepts them.
Apologies, forgiveness, acceptance – these are all imaginary notions that grease the cogs of the world, allowing it to function. Without these concepts that no one truly believes; without them, we would all come to a grinding halt. Because we would see people for what they really are – cruel, bitter, lonely, sad and unwaveringly selfish.
Happy Monday everyone! Just be thankful you’re not me.