DarrenByrne.com

Picture yourself in a boat on a river,
With tangerine trees and marmalade skies.
Somebody calls you, you answer quite slowly,
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes.

Yesterday, I awoke with renewed vigour, a ‘today is the first day of the rest of my life‘ outlook on my Big Brother experience. Begone paranoid delusions, welcome fun and frolics. It’s so easy to forget the outside world and just focus on the insular – giving over too much time to worrying about the minuscule instead of just enjoying the time we have left.

And perhaps my new positive mental attitude has also come with rose tinted glasses, because everyone else seems to be in similar spirits. John has decided to stay and stop acting like a spoiled child. He even sat us all down yesterday afternoon to apologise for his behaviour. Like me he was getting bogged down by the boredom and claustrophobia of the House. He said he even went in to the Diary Room to apologise to BB.

BB seems in better form too. I’m sure he was just as pissed off as we were with all the moaning and bad attitudes. I say ‘he’ very purposefully as we have yet to hear a female voice. There’s a split among the Housemates too between those who believe it’s always the same person and those who believe it’s just a few guys who all sound very similar. And I know logically that it has to be more than just one person, but I can’t shake the idea that it’s always the same voice.

Mark is settling in better today. He had something of a panic attack on his first day, his paranoia more acute than ours having spent so much time alone. We’ve all agreed that though this year’s Big Brother is easier than any before from a tasks and domesticity front, but the mind-fucking is at an all time high.

So – yesterday, I ate well, I organised a work out session (yip, the very unfit me organised a work out session), we were having a fun and easy day, getting to know one another properly, for the first time really.

Marilyn is still trying it on with Phil and he’s being a great sport about it. He told her to get out of the dressing gown and put on something nice to impress him, so she did. Subtle makeup, a sleek red ball gown (I don’t know where she was hiding it) with just the right amount of jewellery. She didn’t wear her huge high stilettos and opted for a lower heel, which actually served to make her look more feminine. Phil was impressed and gave her a peck on the cheek. I’m pretty sure she wanted more than a peck after all her effort, but it would have to suffice.

Lane and Sara are still down, but making an effort and Crystal is back to fake bouncy bubble head mode. It’s amusing to watch really. Daithí and I even had a chat.

“When I was called up for BB, I certainly didn’t belive it could be this stressful,” I offered.

“I know what you mean – I thought it would be a walk in the park. We’d get a bit of fame and then fock off back home to work for TV3,” he joked (I hope).

“What made you go for it?” I continued with the polite chatter, adamant he would not drag down my good mood.

“Well, my mates all bet me €100 that I wouldn’t apply, so I gave it a go. I completely took the piss out of it and never thought I’d get the call, but then three weeks ago they said I was one of the alternates who got picked for the show. I was like, oh my god…“

“That’s weird,” I said, “I was one of the alternates too. I got a last minute phone call bringing me over. I guess they realised they needed some Irish blood in the house.“

“THIS IS BIG BROTHER – COULD ALAN COME TO THE DIARY ROOM?“

Nominations had begun. Despite my brief heart to heart with Daithí, I still nominated him and John.

Ever so slightly worried about Mark. He’s very upset and confused by the way Big Brother has treated him. He even talked about leaving the House yesterday. I know everyone has their doubts and I know that often people say they’re walking just to get attention, but he was so depressed – I believed him.

He has been thrust into a very difficult dynamic, after spending almost two weeks in complete isolation. It’s sick, I think. Of course, it could just be a game plan…

John told BB again that he wanted to leave and spent over an hour and a half in the Diary Room discussing it. He was in there so long, we had started to assume John had flown the coup. I was surprised to see him emerge from the Diary Room, smiling.

Marilyn is in much better form. She jumping between idolising Phil and mothering Mark – I think it helps her keep her mind off her own problems. Sara and Lane look ill. They are spending all of their time on the couches wrapped up in duvets. No one is speaking to each other much at all and BB is irritatingly silent too. This is not what I expected the House to be like. We should have nominated yesterday, but BB didn’t call any of us. I guess we’re all up for nomination again. Does it really matter at this stage?

Crystal is coping well. She says she finds it all fascinating. She didn’t think people’s psyche’s could be torn down so easily. Mine certainly is – I feel like a shadow of my real self – not being me, just a shell wandering around looking like me, going through the motions.

I chose not to choose life. I chose somethin’ else.

Yesterday had everything going for it – the weather was beautiful, BB gave us a bouncy castle, we had a champagne breakfast and we had a basketball task, which gave us a bit of solid activity for the day. At the end of a day’s practice, we each had to get 2 out of 5 hoops from varying distances. We narrowly won the task. Despite all of this, there was a damp mood around the house.

Mark was very twitchy for the day and was in and out of the Diary Room a lot. John was similarly afflicted. I’m spending all of my time in the corner of the garden. Everyone is annoying me at the moment, not just Daithí. He seems to be the only one having any fun – he’s trying to get into Sara’s underwear, if she even wears any. She’s not interested in the slightest.

Marilyn is talking with Phil a good bit – her flirtations are transparent, but Phil is humouring her. I think he’s just happy to be distracted. Alan and Deborah are living in each other’s pockets as always, but there’s definitely tension between them. Deborah broke away to help Mark unpack his bags at last. He finally settled on joining Alan, Debs, Daithi and Phil in the smaller room.

While I was ‘meditating’ in the garden, Lane came over to me at one point. She had been crying (her makeup had moved down her face by about an inch). I was in no humour for dealing with a dope and her broken-nail-problems, but she just grabbed me and hugged me. It was one of the strongest hugs I’ve ever had and she was shaking. It lasted for an age. She didn’t say anyhing and just as swiftly, she wandered off. She looked a wreck – baggy clothes, hair all over the place and yesterday’s drifting makeup.

The spirits lifted after dinner when we were given a choice of movie to watch for passing the task. I assume it’s some kind of tie-in with Film4, as we have to choose between Four Weddings and a Funeral, Trainspotting, The Madness of King George, In Bruges, Touching the Void and Fever Pitch. I was hoping for In Bruges, a bit of comedy was what I needed, but was just as happy watching Trainspotting.

When we reached the point Ewan McGregor’s Renton locked himself into his room to go cold turkey, we all looked at each other uneasily and let out a forced laugh – one of the few laughs from the day.

“There’s no camera behind this mirror.”

“What?” we collectively exclaimed at Phil who had his face and hands pressed up against one of the mirrored walls in the sitting room.

“Come here and look – I can see a small dark room in there, but it’s completely empty.”

“Maybe they’ve moved it to one of the other mirrors. There’s a lot of them,” I suggested.

Before we could discuss it further, the entrance door flung open and Mark arrived in.

He seemed shocked to see us. What was he expecting?

“Am I the last in?” said the Welshman – Phil was clearly glad to have a kinsman in the House.

“Eh…yeah, we’ve all been here the last week or so. We voted you in.”

“What? How long? I didn’t think the show had started yet,” Mark was genuinely shocked.

We explained to him what had happened so far and he told us about his time in isolation. He had neither a porridge diet nor the luxuries I had, but a rather ordinary experience. He’s had no communication with the outside world and the only person he’s spoken with in two weeks is Big Brother’s booming voice. It all seems very harsh and he’s extremely overwhelmed by all the people.

“So, do I get champagne?“

We were about to break the bad news to his that we were ina dry house when BB told us to open the store room. Beer, wine, fine food and an instruction sheet saying that ALL housemates were to share in the bounty, not just the Privileged ones. The joy on the faces of the Underprivileged housemates was enough to make you cry. Sara and Lane stuffed their faces with the fresh fruit, while John began wolfing down the elegantly displayed canapés.I just cracked open a beer and sat down to watch everyone. It was our first truly good moment in the last 9 days.

We thought no more about the missing camera until well into the inebriated night hours. John went investigating again and could see the camera (though no cameraman) behind the mirror he examined earlier. Paranoia dampened, spirits lifted, we were back to the cheery, bed bouncing, heady days of yore. I found myself missing Lottie today more than ever. I think she would have enjoyed the day we had.

John tried to break out. He broke through the second door in the Diary Room and was greeted by a wall. He could find no other way out, so he came back into the house. He tried to climb up on the roof, but there was nothing to give him a boost up. He even tried bringing the couch from the sitting room out.

He said he had enough and was ready to go. BB asked him to give in 24 hours and Daithí managed to calm him down. Tensions and tempers are high in here. I ate the head off Lane for absolutely nothing.

Alan and Deborah had a fight today. It shocked us all – we figured they would never say a cross word to each other, let alone have a blazing row. We’re not entirely sure what it was about, but it seems Deb has a problem with the attention Alan has been giving Phil. And it’s true – Alan has been awkwardly flirting with Phil for a couple for days. Though, it fairness, whatever chance Marilyn had with Phil, Alan has none whatsoever. Regardless all of that, I don’t see why or how Deb, Alan’s sister, should be so upset by it. I knew their relationship was messed up and as the days go on, it just gets more and more messy.

Oh, and we haven’t had a drink since Thursday night. This might not sound like a big deal, but it’s so boring and unnerving in here that a can of beer or a glass of wine would certainly take the edge off. And just to fall into cliché, I think both myself and Daithí are most affected by the sobriety, the only two Irish guys in the house. Our shared problem though isn’t enough to calm the air between us. Every little thing he does, every stupid comment he makes grates on my already frayed nerves.

Did I mention that we don’t have shopping tasks? Because we’re still divided into Privileged and Underprivileged Housemates at mealtimes we are ferried into two separate locked dining rooms, where they get their porridge and we get meals fit for kings. From our point of view (i.e. the Privileged few) the only downside is that BB decided when we eat and there’s no nighttime snacking. The Underprivileged are getting very pissed off.

Sara and Lane are far from their bubbly selves these days and have both lost weight (when you consider how thin they looked a few days ago, I wouldn’t have thought this possible). John has become a mass of anger. He’s been into the Diary Room countless times to complain about the “mistreatment”. He gets so loud that we can hear him from the sitting room – there’s two thick walls and a corridor separating the Diary Room from the sitting room, so you get the idea how mad he’s getting.

Marilyn has been crying a lot over the past two days. I’m doing my best to console her but to no avail. This morning, she didn’t even put on make-up or one of her many dresses. She’s just been moping around in her dressing gown. In fact, draped across the couch, sulking, she looks far more like her manly self than I’ve seen so far. Still, the pink dressing gown and beehive hair serve to maintain the facade.

Still no sign of the new housemate Mark and we were expecting a task today but BB has been silent. Phil has taken to punching walls out of boredom. He put a hole in the outer door to the bathroom and BB hasn’t even called him up on that.

Paranoia is setting in for me. I’ve even actually started to question whether we’re on Big Brother at all or if we’ve just been kidnapped without knowing. It’s possible, I guess.

Maybe not.

The First Eviction Night

We’re becoming somewhat unnerved by BB’s tactics. I know that’s the whole idea, but still, it really is working. There’s very little interaction with BB. We have only been called to the Diary Room a handful of times and the tasks have been very simple – again, without much interaction with Big Brother.

They didn’t even tell us who was up for nomination. Nothing. I’ll be honest – the sense of isolation is getting to me a bit. I never suffered form claustrophobia – I love being indoors – but this is very different.

Around 9 o’clock last night, when we were expecting to hear who was to be evicted, Anya was called into the Diary Room. She still hasn’t come out, so we assume she’s gone home. That seems unfair. No fanfare, no big announcement. We didn’t even hear Davina’s voice. Such a shame. I never even got to know the girl, but there’s a small part of me that misses her, believe it or not. You become so close to these people, so quickly. I probably wouldn’t even speak to them in the real world.

So, with Jason and Anya gone, that leaves just 10 of us competing for the £100,000 prize. Marilyn thinks they’ll put in a few more housemates, though there’s still no sign of Mark, the guy we chose to bring in. John (in a rare moment of communication with the group) suggested that there might be a second house, the real Big Brother House and rather than being evicted, Jason and Anya have gone there. I hate to admit it, but his idea makes sense.

Well, we finally got a glimpse of what Marilyn’s mission entailed today. She has just been elevated to Privileged Housemate status, joining me, Alan, Deborah and Phil in our delicious daily banquets. The downside – Sara and Lane have been downgraded to Underprivileged status. Both of the girls were extremely upset and Marilyn feels awful about it. She says she had no choice, but that doesn’t make it any easier on Sara or Lane.

Despite messing with our collective heads, BB is being very easy on us with regards tasks. So far we’ve only had one fairly easy (if a bit muddy) obstacle course and today we had to select a new housemate to join the group. We were shown 6 videos of the ‘hopefuls’ and had to unanimously decide who would join us. If we could not agree then one of us would be evicted. To be honest, it was a bit of fun and very easy. We’re bringing a Mark into the house.

Mark is another Welsh boy to join Phil. He’s 30 years old and is an actor (read unemployed). He has a girlfriend but it’s not serious (I’m sure she’ll love to hear that) and he’s up for anything. Sara, Lane, Deborah, Anya and Marilyn went head over heels for him as soon as he came on the screen. Us lot really didn’t have much of a choice. He’s seems alright though. I wonder when he’ll arrive.

I finally sat down to grill Crystal. She’s a very intelligent, well educated girl it seems. She believes in the whole social experiment side of Big Brother and, although it wasn’t a task or mission, she just wanted to act like a ditz to ingratiate herself with the other girls in the house. We’ve agree to keep her ’secret’ from the other housemates. She’s clearly a very smart girl – she has me wrapped around her little finger and I’m the one who was suspicious of her.

BB did not announce to us who is up for eviction this week. I guess any of us could be going home tomorrow.

Mwahahaha…nominations day. Big Brother has dressed us all up in silly clown costumes for the whole day. I guess it makes for more interesting TV, but if I was watching this year’s BB, I would be far from impressed. After 10 years of the show, I probably picked the least dramatic show so far.

We went into the Diary Room in alphabetical order, as is the custom. Alan and Deborah went in and nominated together, which was interesting. I asked BB if that meant when one of them was nominated, they both were. That’s not the case.

My turn came around. One thing struck me – it’s always been the same male-voiced Big Brother when I’m in the Diary Room. Maybe Endemol are suffering from recessionary cutbacks too. My first nomination was Daithí, obviously. He’s got a bee in his bonnet about me, he’s clearly bad mouthing me to the other housemates, he’s such a stuck up git, as I’ve mentioned to Marilyn more than once. I’ve watched him schmooze with the other housemates, particularly the Underprivileged porridge eaters, and it’s so transparent. Well, it is to me, but they seem to be lapping it up.

My second nomination was John. It’s not that I dislike John – he just doesn’t seem to want to be here. He mopes in the corner, barely saying two words to anyone, and when he does talk to someone, it’s Daithí. I can honestly say that there is no one else in the house I’d kick out at this point. If Daithí went, this would be a very pleasant place to live.

An odd thing happened this morning. I was out in the garden (the weather is incredible) and I looked up on the roof to see a head peer over the edge for a brief moment. Dressed in a balaclava, looking a bit creepy if I’m honest, the would be marauder actually gave me a fright. I’m sure it was just a BB worker fixing cables or mending a roof tile, but still.

The House itsef this year is a bit more authentic than usual. It doesn’t have any weird design – it looks more like a regular bungalow out the country somewhere. It seems they may have adapted an existing house, as there is moss on the walls and some of the joints and roofing are already in need of repair. I’m not sure i it’s designed to make us feel more comfortable or to unnerve us. Each of us is having a different reaction to it. Crystal thinks they’ve moved us to a secret location instead of the usual studio, to stop the press from getting to us. It’s possible I guess.

You know, I swore I wouldn’t be this kind of house mate – whiny – but I am convinced I’ll be going home on Friday night. I may as well not be here for all the impact I’ve made so far. My saving grace might be that the other housemates may not have nominated me, as they haven’t noticed I’m here yet.

After the disappearance of Jason, the house is up in arms. Was he secretly evicted? Did he just walk? Crystal even suggested that the zombies might have got him, but I suspect she had watched too much Dead Set .

While in the Diary Room in the morning:

Good morning, Darren!

Good morning, Big Brother!

And how are you today?

I’m in flying form Big Brother. The House is buzzing after Jason left. We’re wondering if he just had enough and walked or if he was evicted. Will there be a new housemate brought in to replace him?

Big Brother is unaware of anyone called Jason.

Oh right, was he a plant or something?

Big Brother doesn’t know what you are talking about.

Thanks Big Brother.

Is there anything else you would like to discuss? How are you getting on with Daithí today?

…Fine. We’re keeping our distance. We haven’t actually had words at all yet, but there’s a lot of tension between us. He just seems threatened by me. I don’t know why. I’m being nice to everyone – we’re all being very friendly. He just keeps away from me and spends all his time with the Underprivileged housemates.

And how are you enjoying your Privileged status in the House?

Well, the food is great.

Crystal, Marilyn and Phil said they got the same response from Big Brother when they asked about Jason. Big Brother is denying he ever existed.

Later in the day, I remembered Jason’s shoe. I went into the bedroom to retrieve it and show to Big Brother, but when I went looking I couldn’t find it. Big Brother had already gotten to it. You know, we all got used to the cameras very quickly. We had been through so many interviews and role play sessions (all recorded) that cameras around us 24/7 couldn’t phase us anymore. But the thing that I find disconcerting is how BB can just walk freely around our house. You become so attached to your space very quickly and when I realised that some stranger had been into our room and taken a shoe that was sitting beside my bed, it unnerved me. How dare they, I thought, which is stupid of course.

Marilyn was called into the Diary Room a few times today and won’t tell us why. It’s obviously part of her secret mission. I know it’s all in the game, but I can’t shake the feeling that she should tell us. How can we be friends if she is clearly hiding things from us? I wonder if she had anything to do with Jason’s disappearance.

Crystal is starting to show more of her true colours. I knew she couldn’t keep the act up for long. The dumb blond routine is failing, as she has said some very astute things, particularly in relation to Alan and Deborah’s relationship (she believes they are NOT brother and sister at all). Her voice also seems to have come down an octave or two – I guess the perkiness was grating on her as much as it was on everyone else. I’m going to try spend some time with her tomorrow and see if she cracks. I’m not sure why she would put on the act – what’s the use in acting dumb?

I’m not taking anything for granted with regards BB’s plans either, but both Crystal and Marilyn think we’ll have our first round of nominations today (Day Five), which I’m excited about. Daithí to go.

Last night was another fun, drunken night. We were witness to more weirdness from Alan and Deborah. There’s no way that they are brother and sister. No siblings behave that way. Well, none that I know. Marilyn is still trying to flirt with Phil, but needless to say, nothing is coming of that. Phil’s a big manly man – there’s no chance he’d ever give in and be with a transvestite. I know BB does throw all sorts into the House, but I really don’t see him falling for her.

We’re all getting on very well despite Big Brother’s plan to drive a wedge between us. It seems that the 6 Privileged Housemates are to receive large banquets and fine foods each evening, while the Underprivileged Housemates are back on their rations of porridge. Last night we (the 6 Privileged) had enough food for about 10 people (a huge roast pork dinner with all the trimmings followed by an array of cakes and sweets), while Marilyn, Crystal, John, Jason, Daithí and Phil had to sit a the serf’s table and eat some fairly rotten looking gruel. But because we were all allowed have alcohol, I think it took the edge off. The only one who seems a bit upset about it is John. He’s just so withdrawn and has probably spent more time in the Diary Room than anyone else.

I was called in to the Diary Room earlier in the day and asked how I was getting on with my fellow housemates. Completely without prompting I started ranting about Daithí. He’s driving me mad. His holier than thou attitude is making me feel guilty (and I don’t even know what for) and he is becoming such a strong member of the Underprivileged group that I think he could easily turn them against me. I’ll have to find some way to trip him up, show everyone else how much of a twat he is – because they don’t seem to see it at all.

But anyway, that’s not the big news from Day Three. We all finally hit the hay around 3am. All of us were shattered from the previous night and even the Bubbly Foursome of Crystal, Lane, Anya and Sara had no energy left. The stupid obstacle course task they had us do to keep us occupied took a lot out of us. Though, fair play to the Underprivileged group for making such an effort when the only people to benefit from the resulting banquet were the 6 of us. During the night something must have happened, because we woke up the next morning and one of the beds was missing. As was its occupant, Jason. No one seems to have heard anything. Although Sara claims she saw something moving during the night. Jason, his bed and all of his belongings, except a shoe which was resting beside my bed, had disappeared.

I did not sleep a wink last night. Not one. And it wasn’t because three of the other housemates were dancing on the bed beside me ALL NIGHT; it wasn’t because Big Brother left the high beam halogens on full ALL NIGHT; it wasn’t out of the fear that Lane, the nymphomaniac, might creep into my bed and remove my BB House virginity in record time ALL NIGHT. Frankly, I was just so excited. I even joined in with the bed bouncing around 4am.

In a very short space of time, Marilyn and I have become firm friends. After a number of glasses of Champagne last night I admitted that she (she prefers to be referenced as ’she’, ‘her’ and……’Your Highness’) scared the bejaysus out of me and she appreciated my honesty. She’s a born performer and says she can be a tad overly dramatic at times, particularly when nervous. We were all very nervous last night.

We arrived in the following order:

Marilyn – Marilyn was first in and claimed the large double bed in the big bedroom. She was also the first person to be called into the diary room and won’t/can’t tell any of us why, so we assume she is on a secret mission.

Crystal - Crystal was next through the door. The Scottish Ditz, I have decided, is not as ditzy as she seems. I think she’s putting it on. There were moments when I caught the young girl keenly watching the behaviour of others. I’m sure she was making mental notes. Marilyn agrees with me, but I think she would agree with anything I’d say at the moment. A crush? I don’t think so, but she certainly has latched hold of me. I guess we all need a crutch in stressful situations like this.

John - John arrived in next. He joined Marilyn and Crystal in the big room. I’m still not sure what to make of John. When I first arrived he was warm and excited to greet me (and those who followed me) but after everyone was in he sort of clammed up. He found a quiet corner and only really spoke to Daithí after that (yup – I’m not the only Irishman in the House this year). I can’t see him lasting – whether he walks or is booted remains to be seen.

Jason - After me, Jason arrived and was immediately attacked by Marilyn wanting to know what his digs had been like for the previous few days. It emerged throughout the night that Alan, Deborah, Phil, Sara, Lane and I had enjoyed five star hotel treatment, while the others were subjected to…prison basically. They were in a single room for four days with nothing to eat except porridge. I’m not sure I could have coped with it. Big Brother is calling our 6 The Privileged and the others The Underprivileged. Something tells me I will be paying for my ‘privileged’ status very soon.

Jason is a very nice chap. He’s 23, from Manchester and talks incessantly about his girlfriend. They have been together for four years and this will be longest they have been apart. We had this in common. Lottie and I got together aged 19 and the idea of not seeing her for the next 13 weeks fills me with sadness, disappointment and mostly fear. It’s going to be the hardest part of this challenge. I’m not sure if Jason views it the same way I do. I’ve already seen him eyeing up at least three of the girls in here. He is in the big room too.

Sara – Sara was next to arrive. I have very little to say about her. She seems to be void of personality. She’s loud, dim and pink. I think as long as we keep her away from sugar we’ll be ok. She’s in our room too.

Lane (short for Elaine apparently) is 20, that’s 5 and a half months older than Sara. The last person in the big room, she seems smart enough, but her shrieking and bubbliness is on a par with Sara. Both are from the British Midlands somewhere. I really wish I had paid more attention in Geography class all those years ago. Oh, and she claims to be a nymphomaniac. The way she’s carrying on with Phil after not even a full day in here, she may not be lying.

Alan and Deborah – Two people entered together next – the brother and sister team, Alan and Deborah. I have no idea where to start with these two. Firstly, they are both hilarious. No matter how well they do in the House, they are guaranteed careers in stand-up comedy. I sincerely hope they both stay until the end, because with them here to entertain us, it’ll be a doddle (I am getting a bit ahead of myself now, assuming I’ll last beyond this weekend, nevermind making it to the end). Secondly, they are both insanely good looking. He has the chiselled face, good definition, tall, youthful without looking like he belongs in a shitty boy band and very wise eyes. She is just stunning. She has long red hair, a beautiful face, pale but very attractive skin and huge blue eyes (just like her brother). They look like they were built by Cyberdyne Systems in order to win the hearts of the world before crushing them on Judgement Day.

Then comes the other thing about this pair – my God, they touch each other a lot. He pats her on the ass, she kisses his lips, he wraps his arms around her, she flicks the hair from his eyes. It’s fascinating and uncomfortbale in equal measure. This was made even stranger when they selected the adjoined twin beds in the smaller room.

Daithí – Daithí seems to resent me being here. He expected to be the only token Irish person and sees me as a bigger threat than anyone else. He thinks he recognises me from going out in Dublin, but I think it’s just an excuse for him to say – “Would I have seen you in Reynards? Would I have seen you in Lillies? Do you ever hang out with Bono and the boys?” He’s a twat, a head-wrecking twat. Ross O’Carroll Kelly looks down to earth compared to him. Incidentally, the rest of them have already taken to calling him Dots.

Phil – Phil is a Welsh weightlifter and Marilyn has a serious crush on him. She is already talking about ways to seduce him. Needless to say it will involve copious amounts of alcohol. I haven’t really talked with him much yet, but he seems very popular with all the ladies in here.

Anya – Anya is the token ethnic element this year, I think. She’s from Poland but has been living in Weymouth in the south of England for 7 years. She’s been getting a lot of attention, not just because of her looks, but also because she’s the only non-Brit, non-Irish person in the House. We’re all falling over ourselves to make a good impression (myself included). It’ll fade quickly though. She says she’s a builder, by the way. Frankly, looking at her build, her complexion and her nails, there’s no way she is a builder.

It’s been a surprisingly quiet first full day in the House. We were all expecting to hear of the first eviction or some big surprise addition. We haven’t even been given a task yet. If I’m honest, it’s all been very easy and pleasant so far. I am wondering what mission Big Brother has given Marilyn though…

I walked in and there was already three people in ahead of me – one very tall (too tall) transvestite in a blond wig, a big-breasted blond and some old guy with bleached blond hair and possibly probably hair plugs. I do not have blond hair. I have light brown hair and I think I’m fairly normal – at least in comparison with this three. How did I get myself into this? I guess every contestant asks themselves the same question.

The old guy, his name is John, offered me a glass of champagne. He’s a londoner, 56 years old (I would have said older, despite his youthful looking hairplugs!!). I’m being too critical – he seems like a nice friendly chap. Very chatty and asks a lot of questions. I don’t mind – I like talking about myself.

“A’right mate, you been on the porridge for the last few days too?” John asked me and I really didn’t know what the hell he was talking about. My confused look begged him to explain.

“The porridge. The three of us have been kept in a little room for the last four days with only cold porridge to eat. They said it was some kind of initiation thing.“

Holding in the laughter, I replied, “Um…no, I’ve been in a five star hotel with room service and a fabulous jacuzzi and gym for the past few days. It’s been amazing. Sorry Dude!“

Addressing the others he said, “Hey Marilyn, Crystal, this guy’s – sorry, what was your name again, Darren? – Darren has been in a five star hotel for the last few days.“

“No fucking way,” said Marilyn – I think I’m scared of the transvestite.

“Aw, no way, we been eating porridge” – Crystal is 21 years old and from Scotland. Despite her obvious lack of brainpower, she seems lovely. Her accent is gorgeous. He breasts are huge and nearly as scary as the transvestite.

I can just imagine Davina’s glee watching their faces as I tell them about my hotel and they inform me of their porridge diet.

The door opened again and in walked another reasonable normal looking guy. Marilyn bounded towards him and he was almost pushed back into the hallway.

Marilyn – “Well, where were you? Hotel or prison cell? Well?“

“Wha’?” – the poor guy looked like he was going home, but had accidentally walked into the wrong house.

“Have you been eating porridge for the last few days?“

“Eh, yeah I ‘ave – Can I come in now?“

After Jason arrived, it all became a bit of a blur. I drank a few more glasses of Champagne and I’m pretty sure I met a brother and sister, called Alan and Deborah, who were far too close to each other for my liking. There was a weightlifter who Marilyn instantly took a shine to and a couple more Crystal look-a-likes.  There’s twelve of us in total. 6 spent the past few days in the lap of luzury and the other six were in horrible conditions. Why would they even put up with it? Anyway, on Day Two I’ll try to work out who everyone is and what their game plan is. I’m keeping mine close to the chest for the moment.

Ahem, to anyone who reads my blog via an RSS Reader, I apologise for the lack of content. It should be fixed now.

Anyway, you’ve not missed much.

(And if anyone thinks it isn’t working, please let me know too)

Thank ye kindly,

D.