Jun 22 2017

Stop Looking At Your Fucking Mobile Phone

Published by at 10:54 am under Blog

I’m done with it. I’m done playing second fiddle to a piece of plastic. I’m done being the third wheel in a relationship where the Internet and its myriad of distractions are more important than me, a living, breathing, moderately interesting human man.

Stop looking at your fucking mobile phone.

Yes, I realise as I ever-so-rapidly careen towards 36, I have begun to embrace my Grumpy Old Man status a wee bit early, but I’ve had enough. I may not be as exciting as I once was, I may not be able to hold a candle to cutefurryblindkittensfallingover, I may not have the yaasss gurl sass of a pouting drag queen meme, and I may not be as riveting as that 56-new-message group chat that you simply must respond to right this second, but I am flesh and blood and sitting right in front of you. Get off your fucking phone!

Simon, my life, my darling, my future… yes, I am addressing you, but I am not only addressing you.

As I waited for my lift to work yesterday morning, I witnessed four people almost die because of a) complete stupidity, and b) their mobile phones. All four (two in their early twenties, one thirties, one forties) with right-angled necks walked passed me, crossed half-way across the street to the traffic island and, without pause, walked right out in front of a fast moving car. The walker in front was leading the group, unbeknownst to her I guess, and she was hit by the car. She was tapped by the car. She was lightly bumped by the car. Thankfully, it was a dry morning. Thankfully, the driver was wide awake. Thankfully, the brakes on the car were in tip-top working order. No one was hurt and I suspect the driver was more shocked than even the bumped group leader. I swear, one of the group didn’t even look up from her phone.

Minutes later, picked up and driving down London Road, I saw the group of four again. Yes, of course they were still buried in their phones. I don’t like to wish ill will, but if one of them fell over, I’d watch that fail video.

Look, I’m no innocent. I love my phone. I could not live without my phone. When I get that 10% battery warning, my heart skips a beat and all the meditation techniques in the world cannot quell my rising anxiety levels. But even I have come to realise that there is a time and a place. Walking the streets with eyes down and ne’er a thought for safety or self preservation – this is not the place. In the cinema, with your distracting glare likely to result in popcorn, chocolate, jellies or a loose chair to be thrown at your head – this is not the place. Over dinner, while drinking with friends, during a TV show, during a discussion about mobile phone usage – not the place, not the time, stop doing it!

And breathe.

In unrelated news, I just bought the new OnePlus 5 smartphone. Cannot wait to play with it.

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