Jun 19 2008
A Brief Hint At My Past
Note: This is a post I wrote about two months ago but haven’t plucked up the courage to post it until now. I was inspired by Red Mum’s post.
I have had an amazing life so far. I’d like to think I embrace each day with a renewed vigour and a positive outlook. That was not always the case.
I am going to share a brief hint at my past. And I do mean brief. At 26 years of age, being bullied in school is still a tough thing to talk about in depth, but I have developed a few brief stories that I am able to tell. As my better half knows, after a few drinks, the old resentments, the bitter pains of a youth denied, the feelings of inadequacies that still plague an otherwise confident man come bleeding through.
I think, rather than deal with the emotions and depression that is connected with the old memories, I have distilled many of my more memorable disgraces at the hand of the school bullies into succinct anecdotes, that I can pull out and reuse whenever the topic comes up.
Here’s one I told two friends yesterday evening.
When I was quite young, but had just entered secondary school, I was still very quiet, ridiculously shy, unhealthily skinny and very odd looking. I was a prime target. Not only that, I had been a prime target for many years previous. With secondary school came new targeters to join the old reliables.
Being that it was a new term, and in fact, a new school, I had a new pair of shoes. I’m sure they were nothing special – Dunne’s finest, I would imagine – but we were not wealthy and these shoes were to last at least two terms. Little did I know, but these shoes would last mere weeks.
One fine day (it was the new school year, so naturally the September weather was like Marbella in July), as the school bell chimed (actually, it didn’t chime – it ding-donged in a high-tech eighties kind of way), I was ambushed by my core set of bullies in an hilarious stunt which saw them steal my shoes and throw one of them on the roof – th other was thrown between them as I tried to pathetically grab for it, all the time holding back the tears.
I did not get my shoes back, either of them. Instead, I walked home in my socks – down the De La Salle hill, along main street, past the community college (which I feared almost as much as my own school), past Quinnsworth (now Tesco) and up the hill to my home.
I was greeted by warmth, by hugs, by a generous woman, who would do anything to ensure my safety. I wish that were true. The truth: I was greeted by anger, by resentment, by vicious fury and, worst of all, by disappointment.
This is a stock story. I have told it many times. I find it easy to tell without becoming emotional. I have a few like it, which allow me to illustrate my pain without feeling the pain, which allow me to explain my anger without showing my anger.
I’m sure bullies believe they are just having fun. I’m sure they don’t think their silly taunts are causing much damage. I’m fairly sure no one purposely wishes misery and depression on another individual. They are all wrong.
The argument (which I have heard more than once) that I would not be the confident and outgoing man I am today (who I am very proud to be) had I not endured these trials does not sufficiently wash away the horror I endured for eight years of my eighteen year childhood. No child should go through the things I went through.
I’m not looking for sympathy. I’m not even looking for a cause to fight. I’m just telling a story from my past, in the only way I know how. I told Andrew recently that I have no causes to lead, no charities or groups that I herald. Charity is Darragh’s gig. This is an issue however, which I would like to be involved in and would like to play an active roll in promoting. I would like to be a voice for the rights of the bullied child.
Thank you for reading my rambly little post and sorry for dampening your day. Normal positivity will resume shortly.
Jo on 
Patrick Conneely on 
janet on 
Jim McAteer on 
There’s no dampening Darren, just to say fair play. You may not feel charity is your thing but you show nothing but charity and empathy to your friends, your family and most anyone who comes to you that you can help.
That’s beaten the bastards who tried to ruin your life. You’re by far better than any of them.
Darren.
That post brought a tear to my eye, I know you say you don’t do charities, but maybe you haven’t found anything close enough to your heart to be involved in, do you think maybe this would be something that you would like to be involved in?
I’ve been on both sides I guess. But as the bullied I could run. Fast. The one time I behaved as a bully I caught myself doing it, stopped and appologised. Empathy should be taught from a young age. Empathy and Karate (helps on the confidence front and actually discourages fighting).
Hey Darren, thanks for sharing.
Unfortunately I think everyone has stories like that, some a lot worse than others however
It’s one thing that drives me mad is to see a child being bullied especially by an adult. Fair play for writing it, just sharing might help someone
(((big hug)))
I’m with Thriftciminal on that. Marshal arts form early on!
It’s a sad story, I don’t know what you should do with all those experiences, how to carry them with you without letting them wear away at you.
There is a bit of a Bruce Wayne feeling here. Perhaps you need a shiny suit and cape and pants on the outside? Though you might get in trouble if you hang round the schoolyards in that ensemble
Kudos for writing about it Darren – it’s more than I’ve ever been able to do.
If you ever want to bring together a group of blogging heavies to say hello to your tormentors, count me in.
A problem shared is a problem halved!
Blogging about a problem or traumatic past can provide healing and also show others that they are not alone in facing similar difficulties.
Well done Darren, you are a fine young man!
Thank you for sharing Darren. I’m with Niamh on this one too, we all have a tale to tell.
I think back to my days of being bullied, brief as they were. It was the girlie-sort though, the psychological bullying rather than the physical. Now that I do think back, I feel sorry for the bully. Who would want to be that sort of person? I’m bigger than that. I have more friends, I have a positive outlook and I know that ultimately I will be happier than them – no guilt.
That was what caused the bullying in the first place – jealousy of my easy going nature. Unfortunately the person in question got very close to me, in order to figure out what my weaknesses were – and then used that knowledge against me. It lasted 6 months, I was lucky. The day it got physical, my parents realised why I’d been so damn moody for weeks/months. At the age of 9.
I also sometimes thank the bully in my heart of hearts. Because in later years when another bully-type in secondary school started taunting me, I burst out laughing and said “Is that it? Is that the best you can do? F*** off.” That was at the age of 14 – and I was “shy” at the time! They never bothered me again. Ever.
So I can be grateful to the 9-year old bully, for teaching me the tell-tale signs of what to look out for. After that, I have always known when – and how – to nip it in the bud. LAUGH AT THEM. They’re the weak ones, never forget that.
“…I would like to be a voice for the rights of the bullied child.” And I would like to be a voice for the rights of the bullied adult. I was bullied in my last job and it took me two years to realise what was happening.
I spoke with a friend of mine last night who is currently being undermined and bullied in her job. Shocking behaviour by her boss and she feels so powerless.
Great post Darren. You’d be surprised at how many others have gone through the same thing. I’m one, and I’ve tucked the memories away in a very dark and pokey corner. Bravo to you for airing yours, it’s a good thing to do.
I can’t imagine how horrific it must be for kids these days, though; technology has made the whole thing much easier, and much more intense.
Fair play for the post Darren, I have gone though very similar circumstances. I used to, on a daily basis, run from my classroom as soon as the bell rang, chased by the entire class to get to the school bus. If they caught me, I got beaten up, if I got to the bus, I survived another day.
Yup, you keep it with you, and you talk in anecdotes, it looks almost like a little short film or a comic strip in your head. Takes a long time to work those feelings out when the thought of delving into them makes you wonder if you wont lose some of the control that keeps it bottled up, stops it from upsetting you too much. They are very difficult emotions, and it is very shaky territory to go into on your own. Sometimes you do need to let yourself feel it so that you can move on from it though, examining and really feeling the emotions can help release them. That has been my experience.
It’s good to be aware of how it effected you to the point of being able to write about it here – imagine if you hadn’t acknowledged it at all, and had no idea of how the legacy of that suffering has been effecting your life since.
A lot of the most interesting, intelligent and nicest people I know were bullied when they were younger (and sometimes beyond) – because they were different, because that difference inspired fear and projection of the bullies frustrations/imbalances. The horrible thing about it too is the fact that the bully is no more in a good place mentally than the victim – imagine if you have that little empathy and that much anger and frustration in you – how do you ever have a satisfying life, good relationships, what had to happen in that child’s life that they were capable of acting like that? I’m not religious, but I believe trying to understand the motivations of the bully and the things that made them so cruel can help a lot in letting go of the hurt. Again, that works for me, but I’m not everyone.
I’m really sorry to hear how much of a bad go of it you had Darren, and I really do sympathise. Thanks for this post, it’s helped me clarify a few things I haven’t thought in a while.
Nice post, depressing… but not really.
I was bullied a good bit, then I lost it and bet myself up for them one time… a 9 year old doing that’ll scare some other 9 year olds. They were terrified of me for ages… that’s what you get using hey arnold to solve your problems.
excellent post, it can’t have been easy to write. The really sad thing is that you are writing about two forms of bullying.
As a teacher i’ve always been determined to keep a close eye out for bullying but I’ve realised that it’s harder to identify than you think. What might look like bullying is sometimes genuine banter or fun and other times what looks like a harmless bit of craic can really be upsetting someone.
Sometimes people are vicious bastards and sometimes they genuinely have no idea how much they’re upsetting someone.
While thankfully I can say that I was never a real target of bullying – other than the usual “mean girls” I was accused of bullying once.
I grew up (mostly) in Mayo.
I called my next door neighbor 4-eyes in the playground when I was in 3rd Class. The nun who ran the school set up an inquisition in which my mum and the neighbors parents were called in and it was all treated very seriously.
While it was a one off thing and in comparison with your story I was trivial, the School addressed it so seriously and I learned my lesson.
I think it’s so important for school to recognize the problems and cut them off before they develop. Perhaps the fact that Sister Dictator at our primary school was so efficient at this is why I don’t recall much bullying going on in primary school.
( I will say that when I moved to Wicklow that’s when I started seeing the bullying)
@Everyone Thank you all so much for the many comments. It’s nice to get such a reaction to something that was tough to post. I’ll come back to this again to reply to each comment, if that’s ok?
If I disagree with you now it will look like I’m bullying you :S
@Darragh Yes! I am a deep and sensitive soul. Each negative thing you say cuts me deep.
You are soul Darren. Very much so.
(I’m sorry, I’m leaving…)
Hi Darren,
I went to a La Salle brothers school myself and know exactly the kind of treatment you recieved, both in school and at home. Just wanted to say fair play to ya for posting that.
Darren, again well done for posting that – like Niamh says a lot, if not most people have stories to tell, some worse than others. I was bullied in school til I was about 15 – not physical bullying, but psychological – until I finally found my feet and some solid friends. To this day I retain some of the fear and paranoia around people I don’t know well enough to trust – it’s a battle, and some days, particularly when I feel depressed, it’s hard to overcome.
Children can be so, so cruel. Parents are often slow to see the bad in their own children and even slower to intervene. It amazes me though how few kids seem to know right from wrong.
It’s a great feeling though to come out on the other side of something like that and know that you are a strong, decent person.
Anyway, thanks for your post, seems like you’ve struck a chord with a lot of people here.
Fair play to you Darren for posting this. Obviously took you a long time and a lot of courage and its great to see the positive posts and posts from people who have experienced bullying in their lives. You gave yourself a voice to speak out and allowed others to share a small part of their story too. Congratulations and keep the head up as you deserve to be proud of yourself!
I find it a great testament to who you are now that this is the most commented blog entry so far.
@Gary Thank you! It’s been very surprising and very heartwarming to have such a response from so many people to a post which I was so reluctant to publish.
@Darragh That is, I’d like to think, true. I am a better person now and while I have hurt people in my life, I’d like to think I have mostly done good things and been a positive influence on people.
@Mary Yes, it is very much something I would like to be involved in and I am going to be doing some research this week to see what I can do. (Even if it is to the detriment of my blog post frequency)
@ThriftC I know you’re being funny, but there’s something in that. I’d love to have been able to fight back, even once. I know my father would like to have seen me grow a backbone. But I was not that kid.
@Niamh Thank you for the hug. Yep, too many people have similar stories to me. Far too many!
@Jo Yeah…that might raise some awkward questions.
@David Even today, I day dream about that occasionally. Just for fun, you know.
@GM Thank you. I guess blogging can be somewhat therapeutic. Although, I think the therapy part comes in reading everyones comments.
@MJ Thank you for sharing your story. You were, maybe, lucky. It’s also brilliant that you were able to stand up to them. Something I will always regret is that I never (NOT EVEN ONCE) stood up to any of them.
@73Man Yep, sadly it’s not confined to the schoolyard. Domestic abuse, workplace bullying, parents abusing their kids – it’s all a far too common part of life. It’s sick and it’s sad.
@Catherine Every time I hear about another case of suicide due to bullying, it frightens me. In this modern society, you’d image things would be improving, but instead there’s just new and novel ways of being cruel.
@D2 I remember that run well.
@Lou I find it so hard to understand ‘the bully’. It angers me when I try to deconstruct them and understand them. I often feel far too much emphasis is placed on understanding the motives of the bully rather than on helping the victim. And I’d love to think that they end up having miserable maladjusted lives, but this doesn’t happen either. I believe they just grow up, forget about the children they tormented (if they even realised what they were doing in the first place) and have perfectly normal lives, oblivious to the destruction they left in their wake.
@B’dumX2 lol
A different approach and I’m glad it worked. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – you are very odd. Never lose that!
@Andy I find it so hard to excuse it. I was very sensitive when young (perhaps too sensitive) and I’m sure I over-reacted to some things, but if it had been one odd stupid comment, here or there, I would have gotten past it. It’s the repeated, periodic abuse that I can’t fathom. I just don’t understand it.
@Lottie Yep, Wicklow was (and is) a particularly vile town. I doubt I’ll ever stop hating it.
@Sheepie Thank you for your kind comment.
@Butterfly Yep, I’m glad this has been received so well by so many. It’s humbling. And I am very proud that I came through it and become the person I am today.
@Stella Thank you so much.
And again, thank you to everyone for all the comments and emails I received on this post. It was unexpected and I am overawed by it. Cheers,
D.
Feck, that was a long aul reply! I really need to learn the art of brevity.
Just found Darren’s blog via Darragh’s recent post on Culch.ie
It’s not easy to tell stories or events that have happened in our lives that have some much pain and anger attached, so thanks Darren for sharing that. I am not sure of the innocence of the perpetrations by the bullies in your life or ours, but what you said is kindness beyond forgiving.
You’re right about the drink and how it can get the pains and the resentments out of us again. I have one great friend that listens to mine in those times, and in general, every day.
Thankful for all my friends, old and new..
hi,i`m hoping you might be able to help us.My 7year old son is bìng bullied,it started in junior infants so we spoke to his teacher on 3 occasions again last year by the same bully we again spoke to his teacher twice and this week my little boy broke down it`s still going on so we`ve spoken to the principle,who knew nothing of any of the other incidents,I feel like the bully is bìng protected,while my little beautiful boy misses out on school because he`s too frightened to go and as his mum I dont and wont send him till this gets resolved.but I`m at a loss as to how and help him I find myself crying when he`s not around at the thought of what he`s going through all I want to do is to make him smile and laugh again,I dont trust the school to “sort” this so how can I expect my baby to trust them,my hearts breaking.If you have any advice I would sooooooo appreciate it,I dont want to wrong him,and dont want to look back with any regreat that I should have done something more.Thank you for your courage which I will take on board if nothing else it has helped.
Joy, I really don’t know what to say. I have no right answers. I’m not sure there are any. All I can suggest is that you make sure he has a good supportive environment to come home to.
You have to provide him with an education, so keeping him home is not a long term solution. Keep putting pressure on the teacher and principal. Demand updates from them as to how your son behaves in class and how he interacts with other kids.
I know some people might think this a last resort, but I wonder if it is possible for him to move schools?
My heart goes out to him. Something needs to change now, while he’s still young. Otherwise, it will stay with him for years – he’ll end up still dwelling on it when he’s 28.